I'm an Alien in a Foreign Land

"You guys on vacation?"

"Yeah," I say out loud.

"Let's go with that." I finish thinking in my mind.

I can get away with that in some locations.

In others people say, "How in the world did you find this place?"

I smile. 

We drove until I could sit up on my own.

Or wasn't passed out.

Or could lift my legs

Is a weird answer and one I don't want to give.

You never walk away from those conversations quickly. 

Sometimes we give the short answer of 

"Traveling for my health."

"Oh, that must be nice," people say.

"Like a never ending vacation."

Yeah. It's a blast.

"Refuse self pity. Refuse it absolutely."

I remind myself of the quote from Elisabeth Elliot.

I am not a victim. I remind myself. 

I absolutely, positively refuse to be a victim.

But I don't belong. I don't fit in anywhere.

And me, the one time social butterfly just wants to get the hell away from people because they make me so, so sick. I don't have the energy to be strong right now. I'm sobbing. I'm tired. 

We have this place where I feel amazing. Better than anywhere I've been. I was just running on the beach a little over a week ago. I was working out in the gym. 

And then a bunch of people came in and I went from strong and vibrant...

To crippled in bed...

And just waiting for the people to go home so I can be alive again. So I can walk normally. So I can feel hunger again.

I hate this. And today I am hurting. I am lonely. And I'm angry.

Tomorrow I might be stronger.

Today, I will cry.