"You guys on vacation?"
"Yeah," I say out loud.
"Let's go with that." I finish thinking in my mind.
I can get away with that in some locations.
In others people say, "How in the world did you find this place?"
I smile.
We drove until I could sit up on my own.
Or wasn't passed out.
Or could lift my legs
Is a weird answer and one I don't want to give.
You never walk away from those conversations quickly.
Sometimes we give the short answer of
"Traveling for my health."
"Oh, that must be nice," people say.
"Like a never ending vacation."
Yeah. It's a blast.
"Refuse self pity. Refuse it absolutely."
I remind myself of the quote from Elisabeth Elliot.
I am not a victim. I remind myself.
I absolutely, positively refuse to be a victim.
But I don't belong. I don't fit in anywhere.
And me, the one time social butterfly just wants to get the hell away from people because they make me so, so sick. I don't have the energy to be strong right now. I'm sobbing. I'm tired.
We have this place where I feel amazing. Better than anywhere I've been. I was just running on the beach a little over a week ago. I was working out in the gym.
And then a bunch of people came in and I went from strong and vibrant...
To crippled in bed...
And just waiting for the people to go home so I can be alive again. So I can walk normally. So I can feel hunger again.
I hate this. And today I am hurting. I am lonely. And I'm angry.
Tomorrow I might be stronger.
Today, I will cry.
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