Day 55- The Sweetness of Jesus

This post isn't so much a health and location update. I did one of those yesterday. Typically, I don't write back to back updates but these are thoughts and feelings that I have been wrestling with deep in my soul.

I decided to pour them out on paper.

As I have shared before, I was very blessed to grow up in a Christian home. Not just a Christian home, but my dad was the same man on Sunday as he was on Monday. I understand this is a rarity.

I also have a deep love for theology and I do believe there are some debates worth having. Anyone who's been friends with me for any period of time knows this about me. 😂

And yet, I can tend toward legalism. I fight it more as an adult. As a child and teen, I just gave into it. It was my bread and butter. (Side note, I can no longer eat bread or butter, but I digress.)

But what has happened to me over the past 4 months has changed me dramatically. There are cuts to my soul that only Jesus can sew back together. Some people, who weren't entirely surprising, turned against us in horrible ways. They didn't have our backs before and we could deal with that, but they went after us.

But God replaced that family with some friends who stood in the gap for us in ways we couldn't fathom. Friends who literally took us in and tried to figure out how to get this disease researched. Godly friends who stayed on the phone with me as I cursed and sweared in ways I never have and didn't act like Job's friends but rather said,

"I agree. Let's look at this Psalm. I've prayed it for myself for justice."

And in those moments when your sould is ripped in two and you go from trusting maybe 100 people to maybe 5, you curl up at the feet of Jesus.

And I've been living there for months.

I'm no longer studying deep theology, or maybe I am because I'm living it. I am mourning a lot.

Mourning relationships that are permanently cut off.
Permanently damaged.
Mourning this illness.
How my life has changed and how it still will.

But I'm mourning and I'm pretty sure that's progress. Because I've pretty much been living in fight or flight for 5 years.

So I sit at the feet of Jesus and cry out a Psalm. I ask for His provision. And I see Him show up in ways I never have before.

Maybe that theology is deeper than I imagine.

In Christ,


Share your thoughts :

  1. Awww. This makes so much sense to me. Totally. I can’t imagine yet I understand!! I love you And I love hearing how God proves himself faithful to you over and over in spite of your thoughts and feelings and circumstances Thanks for sharing. I’m trying to join Venmo to make it easier to support you

    1. We love you Luanne! You are a great friend and encouragement!