When I Feel My Faith Will Fail

A friend recently commented on my faith. I told her that I could not even take credit for that. It is God alone who sustained my faith. I feel like this song has become the theme song of my life.
I find myself praying this this morning,

"When I feel my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast;
When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast;
I could never keep my hold, through life's fearful path; for my love is often cold;
He must hold me fast.

It's so easy to look back at the Israelites in the Old Testament in judgement. They saw amazing miracles on their behalf time and time again. 

It is easy to think that if you had seen those kinds of miracles, you would never doubt. You would not be afraid. Your faith would be sure. 

As someone who has seen amazing miracles on my behalf, I can tell you that is not true.

God saved my life a little over a year ago when He sent me to Envita for treatment. God has removed me from not one, not two, but three moldy homes and provided for us each time. 

I keep a journal just to document the ways that God has worked on our behalf. 

And yet today, I find myself praying that He will sustain us. I am tired and I am scared.

When we moved into the RV almost 4 months ago, it was exciting. I improved immediately. We found a climate in Tennessee where I feel great. In fact, in a lot of ways, I feel better than I ever have.

But Steve and I knew the RV was temporary. We can not live in a campground in a RV that is 240 sq ft with 6 people and two dogs long term. It looked like God might be opening a door for us to have a home.

Then, that door closed. I am working hard not to get discouraged. 

As I have mentioned before, our credit has been destroyed since we left the original house that made me sick. I have had some people tell me that they can't afford to leave a home that is making them sick. We absolutely understand this. It destroys you. But, for Steve, this wasn't a decision of 

"She occasionally has more asthma attacks, colds and gi issues."

It was,

"She lives or dies."

So, we had to walk. He had to get a dumpster dropped in front of our house and throw out 90% of what we owned, call the mortgage company and tell them that we had to lose our home because of mold levels that were 10x inside what they were outside (and we were told that outside levels were too high.)

We could not afford the complete gut job, remediation, and rebuilding that would have enabled us to resell the house. At a price tag of about 100k, there was no way. On top of that, even if we'd had it, my doctor said that he still wouldn't recommend me EVER setting foot in the house again.

I am doing daily brain training that is helping me tremendously.

But I still have a lot of medications and supplements that I have to take on a daily basis.

Our insurance company has decided not to cover one of the medications that is helping to calm the nervous system. The doctor doesn't want to take me off of it and "rock the boat," and it's costing us about $500 a month. While the doctor is working with the company to get me some for free, that has yet to come through. Weekly, Steve goes to buy 7 pills and we pray that it comes in the next week.

My doctor has put me on yet another mast cell stabilizer. It has to be compounded because I react to a lot of fillers. So far, insurance isn't covering it. I am going to try to get them to, but until they do, or if they don't, it costs $100 a month. Unless I have to go on a higher dose. Then, its $200. 

All of the supplements that Reese and I are on are costing a little over $400 a month. 

Because I have to eat a low histamine diet, our groceries are not cheap. Steve has worked hard to get them down  (yes, down) to $450- $500 a week. 

There is hope that, in time, that cost will come down as my mast cell calms down. Dr. Potter is working to detox me so that the mast cell will calm down.

However, the detox is painfully slow.

In Dr. Potter's words,

"5 mph is still moving forward."

But, if we go faster, I have mast cell reactions that make everything worse and I have to stop detox completely.

We already know that I likely have another round of work with Dr. Potter after we finish this one. He is very hopeful about my recovery, it's just slow. 

With the stimulus that's due soon, we hope to save towards my next round of treatment so that Steve won't be paying another $300 a month, like he is now, towards labs and treatment. 

We need prayers.

We need prayers for a home. It's not as simple as just going to find another place to rent. I have to be very careful about what buildings I enter. We know the RV that I'm living in is safe and I spend a lot of time outside. I entered a church just last week in an effort to take my kids to some fun homeschooling activities. Within 15 minutes, Emma and another woman were helping me to get back outside. All of my mold symptoms came back quickly so I know that there was mold in the building. 

We need prayers that we will have an unshakeable faith and trust in the Lord. I do not want to be like the Israelites who were constantly doubting, even while God was feeding them. 

We need prayers for healing. Reese is doing well. His detox is going a little faster than mine, Praise God! We believe we know what is going on with Elijah and will have to spend more money in treatment for him. 

We need prayers for provision. 

Last year, I heard a story about Joni Eareckson Tada. If you are not familiar with her, you should watch her testimony. 

She shared recently that one night she had severe pain as she was laying in bed. She reached over to her husband and asked,

"Pray that I won't sin during this pain."

She knew that she was vulnerable in her weakness and she was asking for Christ's strength.

And so, I ask you, my friends,

Pray that I won't sin in this trial. Pray that Christ will hold me fast. Pray that I will continue to know His strength in my weakness. Pray for my husband who is weary. Pray that we would honor Him in all of this.

Those He saves are His delight, Christ will hold me fast.
Precious in His Holy sight, He will hold me fast.
He'll not let my soul be lost, His promises shall last;
Bought by Him at such a cost, He will hold me fast.

For my life He bled and died, Christ will hold me fast. 
Justice has been satisfied, He will hold me fast.
Raised with Him to endless life, He will hold me fast.
Til our faith is turned to sight, when He comes at last!


Share your thoughts :

  1. Father we ask for Megan and her family to KNOW YOUR GOODNESS! Continue to meet their needs supernaturally, equip them with YOUR PEACE, and bring great glory to Your Name through this trial! In Jesus’ Mighty Name! Amen!